She is young, fresh-faced, and giddy while showing me the necklace her new husband bought her.
She talked and talked, showed me pictures, and talked some more. I listened, smiled, and prayed for this young couple.
Then she said something that hit me like a 2×4” between the eyes:
“We aren’t going to have children.”
Did I hear that correctly? To confirm I worked to keep my voice neutral,
“Why don’t you want to have a family?”
This makes me sad. As more and more couples wait to have families later in life, or, choose not to have one at all, I remember a speech given by one of my all-time favorite past President’s (a favorite not for his public policies but because of his character, morals, and family-values).
So, back to the giddy young woman who doesn’t want to have a family and my question . . .
“Why don’t you want to have a family?”
“They are so much work and so expensive. We don’t feel like we need them. I don’t want my adult life to revolve around children. I want to enjoy life and my career. We want to travel and go to rock concerts whenever we want to . . . I don’t know . . . lengthy pause . . . she faded out . . . unsure of what else to say.
I suppose that around this point she once again realized that she was talking to a mother of eight and began to feel a little uncomfortable.
I sent up a thousand of those “Drive By Prayers” asking for his wisdom and gentle love to flow through me – all in the all too short length of time it took me to draw my next breath.
“That’s true. Children are expensive and an absolute ton of work.”
So, why do we want to have children?
Because in spite of how difficult it is at times, the love between a child and his parents is unmatched in intensity.
Because this love is fierce and strong immediately upon birth and nothing like a romantic love that becomes stronger over time and through fires faced. Because children bring joy, laughter, and intense and immense pride to their parents.
Having children introduces you to things you never previously cared about: t-ball and swim team. It brings back long lost simple pleasures like snow cones and S’mores, running around in the rain and dashing through the sprinkler, playing Chase and Hide N Go Seek. Kids renew our wonder and joy for life. With their sweet voices and endless questions they encourage us to stop taking life for granted.
Or, as Teddy Roosevelt put it in 1905:
There are many good people who are denied the supreme blessing of children, and for these we have the respect and sympathy always due to those who, from no fault of their own, are denied any of the other great blessings of life.
But the man or woman who deliberately foregoes these blessings, whether from viciousness, coldness, shallow-heartedness, self-indulgence, or mere failure to appreciate aright the difference between the all-important and the unimportant–why such a creature merits contempt as hearty as any visited upon the soldier who runs away in battle, or upon the man who refuses to work for the support of those dependent upon him, and who though able-bodied is yet content to eat in idleness the bread which others provide.*
So, that’s why we have children; because they are treasure on earth. Because our desire for children and the unmerited joy they bring is one of the good and perfect gifts from God. Or, as Teddy Roosevelt said, because to forgo the blessings that they bring is cold, shallow-hearted, selfish, and lazy.
“Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate,” Psalm 127:3-5.
Why would we say “Yes, Lord,” to more livestock, and “No thanks,” to children?
*Theodore Roosevelt, “On American Motherhood,” National Congress of Mothers, Washington, 13 March 1905, Speech.